Tonight I put Sophia to bed for the last time before her first birthday. I may have cried a little. I may be a bit misty as I type.
I'm just so grateful. I didn't know one little soul could change my life so drastically and amazingly. I didn't know another person's happiness could feel so much like my own. I didn't know my husband could love his baby so much that he would be perfectly fine with all girls in our family.
But, I can't help but think of so many mothers who never celebrated their baby's first birthday. Or did so wondering if they would celebrate a second one. There are so so so so many tragedies out there that I will never understand. I don't know how a 7 month old gets cancer. I don't know how a momma watches her baby shrivel away from malnutrition or treatable disease because she can afford neither food nor medical care. I don't know how a 30-something pregnant woman is nearly brain dead from the flu and pneumonia while her baby and husband live on. I don't know how babies are murdered. I don't know how young mommas die from cancer, leaving their beautiful perfect children behind, many so young they will never remember their mommas who loved them so fiercely. I could just bawl thinking about if I faced the same fate. If Sophia never knew who I was and how much I loved her, how much joy she brought me.
My only comfort is this, my Father knows. If I were gone, he would send another to love her. Maybe not in the same way I do, but more than enough to meet her needs. I trust he does the same for all children who have lost a mom. Maybe it's not a physical person, in some situations the Father himself is the only one there to love those children like they should be loved. And I know the Father comforts those who have lost children if they let Him. I do not understand how because that is not the road He has chosen for me. I know tomorrow it could be. Oh how that thought hurts my heart. I will trust that it would somehow be in His plan and bring Him glory.
But today, I am oh so thankful that Sophia has come through her first year healthy and thriving and that she, myself and her papa are all here to enjoy it together. I'm keenly aware not everyone gets this privilege.