Friday, August 27, 2010

I've run the gamut this week

This week has been quite the cornucopia of events. Monday- went in for Federal Jury Selection. Oh lucky me- I got picked! Actually, I really was hoping I would. Just a break from the ordinary work grind, and I thought it could be interesting. The trial started that very day. Then- when I got done with that late in the afternoon, I grabbed dinner, went back to grandma's, helped John load our stuff into the car so we could go home, then he left for home and I headed to the hospital to pick up the invalid, lol :) Got her all settled in for the night around 9:45. In bed for 11:30. Trial again the next day til noon, then a recess for the day. So I headed off to work. Fun. Trial again Wednesday until 3pm. Took us three hours to decide guilty on all 3 counts (drug related). 

Just as I claimed my phone at the security desk, had a voicemail from grandma that my oldest dog Rudy (who lives with her) is very sick. Went to get him- he was in really bad shape. Panting like crazy and drooling. As I drove to our vet, it hit me. "I think this dog has CHF (Congestive Heart Failure)". Trying not to cry. He is 13 or 14, so I kinda knew this was coming. Start bursting into tears as I tell the vet tech his symptoms. The vet orders immediate x-rays and blood work, they give him oxygen and medicine to make him pee off the fluid in his abdomen and lungs. She brings in the x-rays. His heart and liver are both enlarged and there is a lot of fluid in his belly. It's heart failure. She says we can try overnight hospital stay, medications, EKG's; but that he would be on at least 3 meds permanently and would need lab work monitored regularly. After talking it over with mom, I just knew we couldn't put him through all that given his age. The vet was very understanding and said that it probably was the best decision. Oh my, that was hard. I was hoping he would make the decision for me, but in the end... I had to let him go myself. So they brought my little old man in. The one and only dog I ever owned from 14-25. The little old man who's been with me for 12 years, who has been snatched from the jaws of death several times before. But this time, death would have it's say. It would send him off peacefully. I tried to call John but in some weird turn of events, his phone went to voicemail but never rang. Later I found that my phone didn't even register a dialed call to him. Anyway, being a nurse, I knew I could force myself to handle it. Put on my big girl panties. So, they brought in my first dog, heaving and panting, and both the vet and I knew this was the best choice. As I stood there, whispering in his ear and petting him, he laid down from the sedative and never got up again. It was quiet. The vet gave him the actual shot, listened until his heart quit beating, and then little Rudy went to doggy heaven. Looking back, I wish I would have actually held him. But he was so sick, I just let him lay there while I stroked him. I know I didn't really matter to him, but I just wish I could have squeezed him tight one last time, felt his soft ears against my lips. After it was done, I spent just a few minutes with him, and left. I came home to my poochies here, who still needed walking and feeding and attention. And I dried my tears. And I am ok unless I think about it or tell it again, so I've now cried about 4 more times since. Going to bed the night of was hard. I cried for a long time. I'm not so much sad for him, because he was old and feeble and had a long life, but I just remember all the times of cuddling and silent understanding he brought me. He was a good dog.

But, life moves on quickly. I have 2 dogs here ready and waiting to love me. I did go in about 3 hours late to work Thursday. That day also happened to be my grandma's birthday. So we had dinner over there. Today I worked, rearranged and cleaned in John's office, went to the chiropractor, out to eat, and watched "Diary of a Wimpy Kid." And now here I sit, updating all of you.

It was weird being cut-off from the world during Jury Duty. They take your phone. You only get it at lunch and at the end of the day when you leave. But I did get to meet a diverse group of people. I was the youngest by 15 years or so. And I volunteered to be foreperson. That was kinda neat too.
So guys, that's what I've been up to.

Illness, Jury Duty, Work, Death and Birthdays. All in the span of 5 days. I am really glad to be back in my own house and my own bed.

Here's hoping everyone else's week was a little more mundane. If variety is the spice of life, 
my plate is well-seasoned :)

Thursday, August 19, 2010


So working and running up to the hospital each night is keeping me pretty busy. And taking the car to the shop, and running John his car keys, and rounding up Eby (She has gotten out 5 times and is now banished to the kennel) all while living out of a suitcase at my grandma's house. I feel so displaced when we pack up and go away. It really wreaks havoc on our eating too. But at least we'll save on groceries this month since we're eating out of her fridge.
Some going away I wouldn't mind doing- a vacation. Just wanna get away from the rat race alone with my hubby. Everyday I dream about being able to quit working. I am pretty sure I'll be dreaming that dream for a long time. In real dreams- I dreamed the other night that my old youth pastor was an obstetrician and told me I was pregnant. Lol. Too funny.
Plug- we ate the traditional "bone-in" wings the other night at Buffalo Wild Wings. They were so yummy! On Tuesdays they're half-price! I don't recommend the breaded boneless ones though. They are icky to both John and I.
Nothing else interesting or new this week :)

Monday, August 16, 2010

This past weekend

So I really wanted to do this post from my flight- use cool in-flight wifi and feel current. Buuuutttt- I decided I just didn't want to pay the $5 to do it. So as I'm typing this up I'm sitting here in the Atlanta airport- still not using wifi. Once again- don't wanna pay. Dave Ramsey would be proud. I'm going to save money seeing as how this post is not life-or-death. This weekend was fun- I flew to Flint, MI to attend the wedding of a long-time friend who was also my bridesmaid. She got married at an event place in Charlevoix, MI. Her dad put us up in a really nice hotel on Lake Michigan. My first time to see that sight. I had a good time seeing old friends. And as I find is true, the stress of the last few days of wedding planning was soon forgotten once everyone was having a good time on the dance floor and the cake had been cut. The bride looked beautiful- she wore a champagne-colored Maggie Sottero ball gown made of soft-crushed taffeta with lots of pickups and a balloon-hem train. She did look like a princess in her castle. I especially loved her French bustle. I wanted this for my own dress but it just didn't look good with my gown, so I had to go for the American style.
It was a lovely gown
Took time to tie all those bows!
I loved our bridesmaid shirts!
The back
I missed John on this trip. It was the first time we have spent the night apart- and we spent 3 nights and 4 days apart. thankfully we were pretty busy so there wasn't too much time to miss him. But at the reception it was hard to be sitting out the slow songs and especially hard when they did a married couples only dance. There were a LOT of married couples there. The groom has 7 siblings, 5 of which are married. And then there were plenty of aunts, uncles and cousins. And lots of little kids :)

I still find myself still getting really emotional at weddings. Every time I see a couple who I know is truly in love exchange vows, it seems to really touch me somewhere deep inside and reminds me of my own wedding day and John and I exchanging vows. Then I get a little choked up, lol. This bride and groom had it right, looking deeply into each other's eyes the whole time. They didn't cry though. I actually didn't cry during our vows either. I did get a little watery during the communion and song. It's just to me- marriage has felt like the most
spiritual act I've ever done. After the wedding, the sister of the bride and her husband were visiting in our hotel room. The sister of the bride is just a little more than a year younger than me and we were really close in high school. Anyway, her husband was asking how I am enjoying married life (they just got married March 25 of this year). Well, at first I gave a light-hearted answer but then I said "You know how people say when you have a child that you never knew you could love someone so much? Well, that's how I feel about John.
It's just the strongest feeling I've ever felt. I know that's super mushy but it really is how I feel." And he was just like, "Well that's good." And it really is the truth guys! I love my hubby so very much and I am so grateful for him. So I can't imagine how my heart will feel when we have a child. And even more, I can't comprehend how great the Father's love for us. I know it's greater than any human love there is and my finite mind definitely cannot comprehend it. I just can't imagine how strong and overpowering his feelings towards us are and how they are even greater than mine. One thing I can comprehend- His love is selfless and perfect. That my love is not.

I am recovering from my lack of sleep. We did not get a ton, but last night was by far the worst. I went to bed at 3am and woke at 5am so we could get on the road to the airport which was about 4 hours away. I had to fight that lack-of-sleep nausea that I only get with extreme lack of sleep. But- I did get to sleep in the car and on the plane and may nap some more on my next flight. I need to because I have another early morning facing me. I have to be at the hospital at 5am. My grandma is having open-heart surgery. She is having an
aortic aneurysm repaired. The cardiothoracic surgeon assured us he thought it was safe and he does them all the time. Nonetheless it is still major major surgery. She will be put on heart-lung bypass and will be in ICU a few days on a ventilator. They won't reverse her surgical anesthesia but rather will allow it to wear-off naturally because of her age. They think it will be best for her body to have extra time to recover. So she'll awake to a tube in her throat, an IV in her neck and arm and her wrists restrained. I can't imagine how this is
going to feel. It's got to be frightening. So I'll be spending tomorrow at the hospital waiting on her to come out of surgery. It's scheduled to take about 4 hours.

So in about 4 hours I should be touching down at home. I will be so happy to see my hubby.

Random goal for this month- putting it on paper. Man-up enough to get my wedding dress dry-cleaned and take to the consignment shop. We have a shop locally that specializes in wedding dresses. I am trying to let go of my sentimentality over the dress. I have tried it on since the wedding and it definitely does not feel the same as wearing it on your wedding day. BUT- I won't just give it away. If I can't get at least 1/2 to 1/3 of what I paid for it I'm just going to keep it.

Okay well I guess I can't think of anything else to write. Sorry this post is so long, but I have a lot of time on my hands :)
T-2.5 hours til takeoff.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


The ones I promised!
You can see by the look on their faces they love clothes, lol
They stare out the window when we leave. We have to keep the blinds lifted or they tear 'em up.
The lame rodeo- but this cute little girl barrel raced and herded calves n steers!
"Roman Riding" this guy has one foot on each horse!
Me, dad, step-mom n half-sis at the rodeo

Monday, August 9, 2010

Heavier Things

I will try not to sound too much like a whiner...

First of all- I know some of the crazed thoughts in my head as of late are a result of too much negative input and not enough positive- AKA- lack of Bible reading. I have gotten so slack about this lately. I seem to be so tired when the alarm goes off and then to try it before bedtime- honestly- I'd rather spend that time with John. So- I've been listening to an OLD sermon series by our old youth pastor Richard Crisco- entitled- Decisions Determine Your Destiny. And his point is that the first decision of the day is "Do I pray or do I lay?" Too often I've given the wrong answer to that. But after another complete meltdown last night I decided I really gotta get back in the word to help me filter out all the crap.

Speaking of meltdowns- John was so sweet to me last night when I had one. I had related something really personal that was hard for me to talk about, and the answer I got was silence. I was then laying in bed confused and frustrated and feeling very hurt. Then I started thinking that perhaps I am being too needy and clingy and this is an area I need God to fulfill and if I try to get John to fill it I'm going to ruin our marriage. Then I thought perhaps I have some long-hidden daddy hurts and maybe I need counseling. Oh the array of thoughts that were going through my head. So I worked myself into a frenzy, crying all alone in my bed with sweet Eby at my side nurturing me and John playing computer games in the office. So after I decided upon the theory that I had not expressed my feelings to John in a way that he could understand them without feeling blamed and that I was placing demands on him that he can't fulfill and that I need counseling, I felt I could finally sleep. I texted John to let him know this.
In about 1 minute he was in our bedroom, turning on the lights to assess my state. I had dried the tears mostly by then but hid my mascara-streaked face. He of course pulled away my blanket mask. And then when I had to answer the "what's wrong" question face-to-face, I started blubbering again. Oh my how many times he has seen me do this. Anyway, he was of the opinion that what I shared was a statement and not a question and... get this- he is not sure how he feels about the subject. This is so hard for me to understand as a girl. Surely you have some feelings either way- even if they're both good and bad. An opinion, a list of pros and cons. Anything. Nope. He doesn't. He did promise to think on it though. Sometimes I feel so lost trying to understand him. And then I think again how I never had another man in my life to base this from.
And then I feel deficient again.
But John was so sweet, telling me he never asked me not to be needy, he loves our marriage, I am more than he could've hoped for and the only way he can help is if I'm honest and say what I mean instead of leaving him guessing. Oh- how blunt you have to be with guys! It really can be sooooo hard. But I try and will continue to try. And even when you are bluntly honest- the answer still isn't what you wanna hear sometimes. And then you have to fight even harder the next time to be honest.

And then the Lord is always teaching me something each time my dad visits. I always see all my character flaws magnified in his company. I won't bash him on here. Let's just say that he has a very unique world view. But anyway, I find myself struggling so hard to keep my anger in check when he's around, yet I still want to see him. It is getting easier as the years go by. But to see the way my younger half-sister struggles with him hurts me. It hasn't gotten so easy for her yet. And then my step-mom -who bears him with the patience of Job- and he really doesn't seem to bother her. But the things he says in front of and to her and my sis really bother me. I was sharing this with John and his advice was to not let it bother me as it doesn't seem to bother my step-mom. To me this felt like "this shouldn't bother you" and was a brush-off. Because of course to us girls feelings are reality. I wanted my feelings validated. But once again, this is the difference in communication of men and women. And John and I try to understand each other, really we do.
So I gave some thought to it- and really I do much better about just staying quiet and not engaging my dad in his jabs. The Lord also showed me how I need to be less critical and more compassionate and forgiving of others. He showed me what areas I might be "genetically" prone to that I need to watch for. Anyway, I also realized that as many women do, on some level I am still seeking my dad's approval in EVERY area. I have it in the areas of responsibility, academics and I think finances. But I am still looking for it in the area of weight, exercise and nutrition. I need to come to realize that  I will probably never get this and I need to leave my worth in this area in God's hands. But it's so hard. So hard to hear the things he says to me, step-mom and sister. So hard to hear the hardness of his heart towards some family, friends and religious leaders. So many things he has chips on his shoulder about and has ought towards. I don't know how he lives with all the negativity bound up in him. But I have to remember not to let it transfer to me.
So, I hope I have not dishonored God by writing these thoughts down. It is very cathartic for me.
And I don't think anyone from my dad's side reads this. But I know people who know John and I do. So let me just say that John is the BEST thing (besides Jesus Christ) that has ever happened to me. Although it's hard in the midst of it we have come out closer from every argument or misunderstanding. I can not ask for more than that. We are very much in love and we work it out. So don't think I am bashing him. I am just working through my thoughts on "paper" in the hopes that sharing helps me and others.

The light stuff

I also have more pensive things on my mind, but that is for another post.

This weekend my dad, step-mom and sister visited. Once again, pics are on my camera not can't upload them here at work. I took a pic of my table settings finally with my phone, but don't you know I can't find it for some reason! Probably forgot to hit save. Annoying phone. Anyway, we had a lot of beach time which I needed. I was getting pretty pasty.
Saturday night we went to a rodeo in Alabama. It was kinda a joke. But unknowingly my GPS took us in through some back driveway, so we got in for free. Otherwise it would've not been worth the money. But it was something different and it was free, so that was nice. I enjoyed the bronco riding and barrel racing the most. In the different ropings and bull ridings, all the contestants did pretty bad, so that gets dull after awhile.

This Thursday I leave for Michigan for the weekend! I am excited to fly and to see old friends. My bridesmaid dress is pressed and ready to go!
The color is "Espresso"
 This wedding will probably be the largest I've ever been to. It's going to be held at a castle/event place near Lake Michigan. I think I will miss my hubby terribly though. This will be the longest we've been apart so far.
Then as soon as I get back Sunday my grandma goes into the hospital that night to prepare for open-heart surgery Monday morning. I think I will be very tired next week. I already had a stress induced bad dream about my travel to the wedding. Missing flights, wrong destinations, NYC cabs, getting lost. Ugh.

The dogs are doing better every day and much better this week. Eby has finally started playing with Ernie some. They "playfight" and run around scrapping and growling. I am sure Ernie is very happy she's finally showing some interest in him. And, we are are really happy to have both these pups. We both think adding Ernie was a fabulous decision. He's so sweet and silly. We really feel like the family is rounded out. We aren't obsessive to the point of putting them over people, but to us they kinda are our substitute kids. John is also really loving Ernie more each day. I am glad he finally has a dog that's "his".
My "kiddos," as I call them... don't judge... can be found snuggled together each night on their bed. Although at least once a night one or both still try to pile in with us. But they've definitely learned the word "down!"
Puppy love
Also added into the busyness of this month- possible Jury Duty! I actually think this would be interesting. However, in our state it now functions as being "on call" every week for a month. So the first week I wasn't needed, but this week I am supposed to report tomorrow morning for selection! Of course, the one week of the month I can't do it. So I requested deferment since I don't think a trial would be done by Thursday morning. I do hope I get called in when I come back.

Food- I pretty much took a break from FoodLovers while dad was here. We followed the rules loosely by at least trying to have the right combinations of carbs and protein. I will be doing the same at the wedding weekend. Anyway, otherwise all is pretty well. I'm a bit frustrated that I seem to be on a plateau already, but I know it's somewhat my own fault. John is so much more disciplined in this area. Ugh. i know I need to quite "cheating" here and there and buckle down on exercise. But can I just say- the rate at which guys lose weight is just not fair! John has lost almost 20lbs! Kudos to him, but jealousy looms in the background. He does look good though. And here I sit, finally just back to my wedding weight. *Sigh*.

John Moment: Last night in my grandma's kitchen I started singing a line (since that's all I know) from a rap song "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means? She got her own house, she got her own car..." Anyway, we had brought it up earlier talking about Eby and her cat-like ways. So I start singing it again and doing the little "attack dance" he does with me. He was laughing and smiling so big. I just love it when I see that big, genuine smile.

Next I will post my "darker" more serious thoughts. Ttfn.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Departing from the usual

Sooo, my disclaimer is that this is usually non-political. Today is an unusual day.

Just finished Internet research for the candidates for our upcoming closed primaries. Quite a task. Especially when some running don't have a website. Come on people, this is the 21st century! I don't think you should be elected if you don't provide some outlet for mass dispersal of your information. I already have over 20 names to research for the primaries, so I'm certainly not going door-to-door looking for your information!
It can be so hard to decide who to pick, I mean, one personal statement is really all I'm going off of. Not like I can research all the actions and words of 20 candidates! So I decided to take a more conservative, tea-partyish approach this time around. If all your statements sound the same, I am voting for the one with the least political history. I think we've had enough of career politicians. Time for them all to get a dose of the real world again. Now, I also see the wisdom in electing someone with "experience." So if you words are good enough I MIGHT vote for you even if you've been at it a long time. And community involvement with the right organizations is a big plus. And of course if you seem to have a legitimate faith in God that helps you too.
I am sure all this makes me sound like a right-wing Nazi freak. But, oh well. I do know it's time for change, and not the kind a certain elected official promised.

I've also decided to vote for the underdog even if that makes my vote "wasted". You gotta vote how you believe. And my last political endorsement- please, vote for someone! If you don't vote don't complain!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Life keeps rollin' on

So I may have become a little addicted to this blogging thing, but not in the form of blogging so much as reading blogs. I now follow 3 people I don't even really know, 2 that are complete strangers! But, I like their blogs and it keeps me entertained at work when it's slow :)

Anyway, this weekend was a very domesticated one :) We cleaned the house from top to bottom in preparation for Sunday lunch company with some very good friends of ours who haven't seen our place. So of course I needed it in top condition. And since my dad and his wife and my sister are visiting this coming weekend, the house needed an overhaul. Including hiding all our stuff we need to list on eBay that was overtaking the office. Anyway, after all that was done and I showered, our big fun trip was to go the thrift store and get onesies to put on Eby and Ernie. Poor dogs. lol. Pics to come. And what weekend isn't complete without a grocery trip to Walmart? :) 

John has also been feeling sick off and on this whole weekend, my poor baby. Achy and stuffy and sore throat. It really got to him last night. Thankfully Monday are very low-key for him and today I think he is going to be able to avoid the office altogether. But he is going to change my oil :) What a great handyman!
Today I get off a little early and I'm going to spend a little time with my MOH/BF. She hasn't met Mr. Ernie yet. He's sure to charm her with his slap-happy silly self.

On a more pensive note- a few of the blogs I read are posted by young moms. I love reading their stuff, but oddly it doesn't give me baby fever. In fact, when I realized once there was even a chance I could be pregnant, I bawled all over poor John. It's so funny because all through high-school and early college I dreamed of getting married and having babies. But for now, just being married makes me infinitely happy. I just don't feel I'm ready and I don't feel secure enough in our circumstances right now to add a little one. John reminded me that if I wasn't ready the Lord would not let it happen. But I've known many people who weren't ready but once they found out they were pregnant they were thrilled. So I know the Lord can MAKE me ready. But at this time I sure 'nuff don't feel that way. I can't imagine trying to add caring for a newborn into our busy routine. I know many women work, cook, clean, exercise and care for children, but I honestly do not want to try and juggle all of that. I also feel jealous of the time John and I can share and I don't want to give any more of it up! I know these feelings will probably change someday, but for now, I am content with my wonderful husband and my doggie kids :)

PS- I wish I would've taken a pic of our Sunday table. I finally got my runners back from my wedding and I am loving putting them to use. I'll have to gets pics of that too!