Saturday, September 21, 2013

I'm a wife first

This post has been sitting in my lineup, with only a title, since April 20th. I've kind of been afraid to finish it. Afraid to admit that I struggle. Especially since my DH reads my blog.

Before I had a child, I was taught to put your husband first. You chose him first. One day your kids will leave and he'll be the one to stay. The only way your home can be in order and your kids thrive is if you are committed to each other and put each other first.

I heartily agree. I also know heartily agree that it's hard.

Babies are wonderful little creatures. I adore mine, as does my husband.

And babies naturally take a lot of your time. Helpless little beings they are. And I enjoy being their everything (most of the time).

But being everything to one person leaves less than everything for anyone else. Including husbands.

Add in also being an employee, housekeeper, cook, crafter, church member and blogger, just to name a few, and the husband's slice gets even smaller.

But babies are just so loveable, and new, and precious. It's kinda like being in the dating portion of a relationship again. Giddy and exciting. Heartsick and overcome.

I'm sure as the years pass things will settle into a more steadfast love. Just as in marriage, the new will wear off. And that's ok. It's not something you can stop. You just have to be aware and prepared for when it happens.

But I want more than just steady. I want our marriage to thrive. And seeing as how Sophia will likely not be an only child, I better learn to make it thrive while also being a great mom. Because I don't want my marriage to suffer just because we had kids. They bring so much joy to us individually and together. But do we still bring so much joy to each other?

I love seeing John as a dad. He's excellent. But it's hard for us to change from our "momma and papa" hats to our "husband and wife" hats. Children can be all consuming. Just the practicality of bathing, feeding, clothing, diapering, entertaining and protecting a child all day long leaves not too much free time. This little blog of mine has certainly felt the crunch.

At the end of the day if either of us wants to pursue any personal leisure activities like gaming, TV, reading, crafting, blogging etc, it leaves really only minutes of quality time as a couple.

It's hard to find the balance. It's different for each couple. Some are happy and healthy with mostly family time and couple time only once every month or two. Same "date" weekly. Some spend 5 minutes of child free time a day being intensely connected.

I guess I don't know what our balance is yet. Even with free childcare available almost any time, there's still the energy of going out after a possibly long day and the money of eating out or going to a show. It's a matter of being intentional.

I'd be interested to hear the perspective of other moms...


  1. with three little bubbas, I totally feel ya here! When you and the man are more connected/rested/on the same page tho the health and energy is just better and you feel like a team instead of two people trying to make everything work. One of my biggest struggles is showing my man he's a priority over the boys, you're not alone.:)

  2. I've been checking in with you periodically and glad you and the baby are doing so well -- she's a cutie!! As a mom of three now teenagers...including twins, I have some thoughts. If you have free child are available -- take advantage of it!!! Even if you just go out and sit and talk over a cup of coffee, take advantage of time away and together. It will keep the foundation strong as you will find that time more and more precious the more kids you have. We did not have free family child care available when the kids were young, and with three under three we really could have used a break for us! I know you will find the right balance!

  3. You will find what works for you both. We try to go on a date at least twice a month. Now that the youngest is getting older and easily takes a bottle, we're trying to up that to a date night each week. We'll see. Hubby works rotating shift work, so we have to coordinate with the baby sitter and her school and sports schedule. I totally agree with the other moms--even if it's just going out for coffee, it's reconnecting for the two of you. It's hard for the men to go from having us all to themselves to having to share us with a needy little person. Remind him that you love him and try to get out without the baby when you can just to refresh and recharge!


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