Heavier Things

I will try not to sound too much like a whiner...

First of all- I know some of the crazed thoughts in my head as of late are a result of too much negative input and not enough positive- AKA- lack of Bible reading. I have gotten so slack about this lately. I seem to be so tired when the alarm goes off and then to try it before bedtime- honestly- I'd rather spend that time with John. So- I've been listening to an OLD sermon series by our old youth pastor Richard Crisco- entitled- Decisions Determine Your Destiny. And his point is that the first decision of the day is "Do I pray or do I lay?" Too often I've given the wrong answer to that. But after another complete meltdown last night I decided I really gotta get back in the word to help me filter out all the crap.

Speaking of meltdowns- John was so sweet to me last night when I had one. I had related something really personal that was hard for me to talk about, and the answer I got was silence. I was then laying in bed confused and frustrated and feeling very hurt. Then I started thinking that perhaps I am being too needy and clingy and this is an area I need God to fulfill and if I try to get John to fill it I'm going to ruin our marriage. Then I thought perhaps I have some long-hidden daddy hurts and maybe I need counseling. Oh the array of thoughts that were going through my head. So I worked myself into a frenzy, crying all alone in my bed with sweet Eby at my side nurturing me and John playing computer games in the office. So after I decided upon the theory that I had not expressed my feelings to John in a way that he could understand them without feeling blamed and that I was placing demands on him that he can't fulfill and that I need counseling, I felt I could finally sleep. I texted John to let him know this.
In about 1 minute he was in our bedroom, turning on the lights to assess my state. I had dried the tears mostly by then but hid my mascara-streaked face. He of course pulled away my blanket mask. And then when I had to answer the "what's wrong" question face-to-face, I started blubbering again. Oh my how many times he has seen me do this. Anyway, he was of the opinion that what I shared was a statement and not a question and... get this- he is not sure how he feels about the subject. This is so hard for me to understand as a girl. Surely you have some feelings either way- even if they're both good and bad. An opinion, a list of pros and cons. Anything. Nope. He doesn't. He did promise to think on it though. Sometimes I feel so lost trying to understand him. And then I think again how I never had another man in my life to base this from.
And then I feel deficient again.

But John was so sweet, telling me he never asked me not to be needy, he loves our marriage, I am more than he could've hoped for and the only way he can help is if I'm honest and say what I mean instead of leaving him guessing. Oh- how blunt you have to be with guys! It really can be sooooo hard. But I try and will continue to try. And even when you are bluntly honest- the answer still isn't what you wanna hear sometimes. And then you have to fight even harder the next time to be honest.

And then the Lord is always teaching me something each time my dad visits. I always see all my character flaws magnified in his company. I won't bash him on here. Let's just say that he has a very unique world view. But anyway, I find myself struggling so hard to keep my anger in check when he's around, yet I still want to see him. It is getting easier as the years go by. But to see the way my younger half-sister struggles with him hurts me. It hasn't gotten so easy for her yet. And then my step-mom -who bears him with the patience of Job- and he really doesn't seem to bother her. But the things he says in front of and to her and my sis really bother me. I was sharing this with John and his advice was to not let it bother me as it doesn't seem to bother my step-mom. To me this felt like "this shouldn't bother you" and was a brush-off. Because of course to us girls feelings are reality. I wanted my feelings validated. But once again, this is the difference in communication of men and women. And John and I try to understand each other, really we do.

So I gave some thought to it- and really I do much better about just staying quiet and not engaging my dad in his jabs. The Lord also showed me how I need to be less critical and more compassionate and forgiving of others. He showed me what areas I might be "genetically" prone to that I need to watch for. Anyway, I also realized that as many women do, on some level I am still seeking my dad's approval in EVERY area. I have it in the areas of responsibility, academics and I think finances. But I am still looking for it in the area of weight, exercise and nutrition. I need to come to realize that  I will probably never get this and I need to leave my worth in this area in God's hands. But it's so hard. So hard to hear the things he says to me, step-mom and sister. So hard to hear the hardness of his heart towards some family, friends and religious leaders. So many things he has chips on his shoulder about and has ought towards. I don't know how he lives with all the negativity bound up in him. But I have to remember not to let it transfer to me.

So, I hope I have not dishonored God by writing these thoughts down. It is very cathartic for me.

And I don't think anyone from my dad's side reads this. But I know people who know John and I do. So let me just say that John is the BEST thing (besides Jesus Christ) that has ever happened to me. Although it's hard in the midst of it we have come out closer from every argument or misunderstanding. I can not ask for more than that. We are very much in love and we work it out. So don't think I am bashing him. I am just working through my thoughts on "paper" in the hopes that sharing helps me and others.